Late update

Today is not as tiring somehow although we walked for 2 hours at 3.30am in the morning...

This is not the first time I walk this trial but definitely feel much better as the last time was drizzling when I walked.

This time was chilling cold though and I can't even sweat for a little. Hualian is a peaceful place and the sky has so much stars, I am really really happy to see so much stars around. For 2 hours I walked, I was looking up upon those stars most of the time!

We did a lot at JingSi abode(靜思精舍) today and somehow I didn't feel sleepy today :) I get to understand a lot of things today which I don't really give a damn before.




For the first time I feel inner peace or should I say getting to understand the feeling of it... I am going through a stage of realization...

Have been fighting alone for really long. Sometimes I really wish there are people who stand by me and understand what I learn and fight with me! Or maybe just one special one might do xD




This is the farm of the abode..
The nuns here live by earning and working each and everyday.
No work, no food!(一日不做一日不食）this is the spirit here! They live on their own and build with own earnings through candle making etc... Not seeking donation to sustain the abode.

There are a lot of stories and each stories has something to learn... I just need more
Concentration and understanding maybe...

Really starting to appreciate everything and I become a much happy person without so much burden. Hopefully I can!

Time to sleep!!!
Get to sleep early today as there is no meeting tonight =>
It's not even 11pm

zL
28th of December


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It's 11pm now and I don't really know what's the date! It's Sunday I think... but today was a sunny day : D


Have been really tiring with only about 4 hours of sleep every night. Gonna wake up at 3 tomorrow to walk back to JingSi abode! Around 10km I think... Kinda remind me of my days as Scout last time...

Have had some really amazing classes with awesome sharing from all sort of people and really got me realize more about the organization and also myself.

I just hope I can really digest all these in time with my super tired brain which can't really function well just like today >.< but I am still hanging on... I would be full of complains if I am still the same person as who I was a year ago... But guess I did become mature this time.

Have a big hole as big as my finger tip in my mouth now...
Still hanging on though it really affect me a lot.... Guess this is some sort of challenge for me :)

Gonna sleep now or I might faint tomorrow! Haha wish me the best if you would! I wish you well as well : )

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Busy Xmas

Merry Christmas!!!!!
It's one minute to 26th and...
Well, has been busy for the whole night so this is the only time I can write...

Have to wake up at 4.20am so this will be a shorter one hopefully :)

Was really tired when I woke up this morning and almost feel asleep during some of the lecture...


I will look at this image whenever I feel like I am falling asleep!
This is actually a "painting" made out of thousands of 1x1cm mosaic like thing and it is 5 story tall, inside the main hall of the 靜思堂... The whole atmosphere of this place is simply amazing :D

Get to know a lot about what our fellow friends from what they have done for the past year in today's conference and some are really amazing and creative!

The best thing is that I get to make friends with more people this time as everyone are really friendly...

Well time to rest now.... Till I am free... See ya!


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Xmas Eve already?

It's Christmas eve and yet another quiet and peaceful one for me...



Today was really tiring with traveling and with the start of those lessons... Hopefully i wouldn't get bored too soon...

Somehow many people recognize my face despite I cut my hair rather short and being so low profile all these while.

Didn't have much for my meals today as I was really tired and lost my appetite! Gonna get up an 4.30am every morning for the first week @.@ oh yes, I know right?

Had some thoughts about decisions today.. Really am very confuse with what should I do...
Help me Obi-wan Kenobi? Anyone??! Lol

Anyhow... I am really glad to meet those friends who I meet annually and yea, once a year yet feel like old friends :) well not all of course... But do looking forward to make more friends this time!!

No Christmas light here, luckily I have my iPod! Playing tons of Xmas songs now as lullaby now : D

Till then, signing out to bed @11pm 24-12-2010


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Location:花蓮慈濟國際寮房

KUL to TPE 2010

四個小時不長不斷，
只可惜機上的戲都看過了，
還好有Despicable Me!



桃園的天氣現在還蠻好的，
溫度還持續在20度左右…

今天的心情一直都很平靜，
觀察到了一些事情，也發覺到自己的一些短處。
接下來的兩個星期就真的要看自己的意念了…

原來自己這些年來開始學著去放下和接受，
不過自己心裡也明白自己是個怎樣的人‥‥
期許自己真的能夠找到自己想找的自己‥‥
期望心能夠富裕起來，不然再多富裕和享受會變的多餘。

11.40pm 23-12-2010
P/s: 原來再過數十分鐘就是平安夜了！ :D


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One Silent Night

It's like I got knocked out suddenly
No warning sign, all of the sudden it was pitch black

I don't really know how long has it been
How and what exactly brought me here, to this point I am standing
I guess I have to stop trying so hard just to find out
Time will be considered lost if I keep searching and not getting any results
Life would be wasted even if I found the reasons and never gonna get any answers

It's so peaceful now, images just flashes through my mind without needing any efforts
I for the first time, felt slightly relief for being at peace
Even if it's just for a short moment....

I clearly remember how I once wished life would be
Clearly I could remember how I made my life the other way round
Escaping was my path, without me even realizing it until just then
It is clear now that, I never ever learn to be or even try to be responsible, at least not on my own matters

I was once told, dream it and live it
Guess I was too obsessed with the dream part and forgo the live part
My strengths and will was forgo together
Leaving excuses lingering around, not able to confront myself as I stood in front of the mirror

Being sorry to myself was the biggest mistake
It haunted me for a year, yet I went by it's flows not being able to be free
I couldn't forgive myself for so long
It made me really tired, as well as letting emotions taking over my logical mind

I finally understand the difference between villains and heroes
They are not so much different from one another, just that their ways of making their ways are the exact opposite
I stood still wondering what I was and what I am now
Refuse to fall again, so I continue standing still

There are so many things about me
Even I myself refuse to know, nevertheless letting people around me get to know me
I am sorry for those who ever show their concern to me
I just couldn't face myself at that moment as I was always told I am the stronger ones

Being used to be there for anyone that needs me
I really did not knew how to let anyone to be there for me
Being able to solves other people's problems made me forget how to solve my owns
Made me forgot I am also a mere human who make mistakes

In the end, all was lost
I could have made friends and have lots of fun
Guess there are no points trying to regret
I am sorry, to everyone who have came across my life

Sorry for being tired and irresponsibles
Sorry for neglecting all of your caring as well as guidance
Sorry for not being able to express myself and to learn to be independent instead of acting to be so
Sorry for letting everyone down, especially those whom I should have be closed with yet I stayed away

I guess, this peaceful night
I guess tonight, I learn more about myself
I hope I learn from what happened in 2010
I hope I can forgive myself soon

好久沒見到自己了

一個人看著電腦的熒幕
手在動，其實卻不知道在為何而動
自己發著呆，音樂器在播放著歌曲
頭腦只有空白的一個畫面
音樂開得多大聲，卻忘了在聽。。。。

過去的三個月里
其實自己很清楚自己少了靈魂
這一段時間，其實就是在過日子而非生活
一個人少了靈魂，就沒了干勁吧？
至少我是如此。。。。

開著電腦，播放著歌曲其實已成了習慣
并非真的要聽歌
到后來，只對自己感到厭惡。。。
漸漸的，墮落了。。。
到后來生活只剩恐懼和后悔。。。
偶然的發現，原來自己并不是自己的時候
那一種的彷徨感，其實真的很恐怖。。。

到后來，被自己打敗了
原來最大的敵人一直都是自己
當自己害怕自己的時候
那一種感覺，就像一個人站在很多面鏡子前面
鏡子里把自己最丑陋的一面都映射出來
看到鏡子里的自己，卻連自己都認不出了
到最后只有一只跑，不過不論跑到多久多累，都跑不掉
我，從來沒有如此恐懼過。。。


多少次提醒自己不要跑了
就對著鏡子里的自己笑吧！
結果最后，自己卻變成了鏡子，反而鏡子里的倒影變了真實的。。。
被困在鏡子里的我，何時才能把自己的權利拿回來，控制回自己？

要到什么時候
我才會找到那一份勇氣？
要到什么時候
我才能放下以往的過失？
要到什么時候
我才能對自己好一點點？
要到什么時候
我才能原諒自己的執著？
要到什么時候后
我才會學會成熟一些些？

到底是在什么時候
我變得如此懦弱？
到底是什么時候
我開始不懂事了起來？

我要放下一切
把自己回收
重新成為一張白紙
然后不要再讓可悲的故事再次烙印在這張回收的第二生命

請祝福我

讓我找回那久違的笑容

人總要信!

我回來了
不要再emo了
現在要做到就是死撐！

士可殺，不可辱
現在要做的就是找回我自己

找回我的尊嚴 >.<

正念啊正念
快回來吧
老朋友需要你們！

凡是只要踏出第一步
會發現沒有想象的難
人總要信!

我们都寂寞 - Eason陈奕迅

此時此刻，這首歌的歌詞與我心聲符合。。。。。

我们都寂寞 - Eason陈奕迅

趕著下班的計程車　一嘯而過
下班後不想回家的我　誰要理我
很多年之前我問
朋友來陪我　有誰來愛我

買醉的時候你認識我　最後還一起生活
為怕寂寞我們做了很多　最沒空寂寞
偶遇你之後我說
想有人愛我　就有人愛我

可是我　不知道想要甚麼
不知道擁有甚麼　可能我們都寂寞

迎面一個老尼姑走過　把路燈看破
有你在家裡苦等的我　難道比她幸福得多
現在不想下班的我
沒愛好難過　有愛算甚麼樣

我恨我　我不知道想要甚麼
我不知道擁有甚麼　可能我們都寂寞

走過馬路的我說
一個人寂寞　兩個人寂寞

可能我　我不知道擁有甚麼
而我又缺少甚麼　我還怕甚麼
怕甚麼　我不知道愛算甚麼 YEAH
而我又算甚麼　我們都寂寞

Emo 之『生日篇』

這首歌，大家都應該很熟悉吧？
這么一個夜晚，當大家都在夢中
我，卻自己一個人發悶。。。。。。

最近我最只會鉆牛角尖
越鉆越深，每天就在胡思亂想中虛度。。。
睡不著，所以在聽歌。。。
聽著聽著，我開始emo了

突然覺得自己好悲
因為當播放器播到這首『祝我生日快樂』時，
我想不起今年，去年，甚至前年的生日有什么不同
因為，好幾年了我能夠清楚記得的就是我都會對自己唱這首歌
我都會帶著耳機，重復播放著這首歌，然后跟著唱給自己聽。。。

前陣子有一位朋友18歲生日
當我送上我的祝福后，她告訴我18歲生日很難忘
我愣住了一下，因為我忘了18歲生日那一天，我做過什么。。。
然而，我剛剛想起來了。。。
那一年，我收到很多簡訊。。。
我最好的一班朋友在度假，
其中兩位也發了簡訊給我。。。
當時的我，其實不以為意。。。。
因為從小，我都習慣了和家人過生日。。。
18歲那年，剛出來讀書，
自己一個人住，覺得自己過還蠻新鮮的，
因為對我來說生日是感恩母親的日子，我如何過更本無所謂
可是當時的我，卻不知道原來想不起自己生日怎么過是什么感覺。。。
現在回想，還好當時我有很疼學生的老師，
帶我和幾位很好的同學朋友與我慶生，讓我被問時還可以回答說我是和誰過生日的！

過后19歲生日，
我真的想不起了。。。
20歲剛好是周末，幾位朋友拿蛋糕到我家
幫我唱生日歌 =D

記得的，是每年在學院的幾位好友都會一起請我吃一餐 =）

21歲，大家都好像很過得隆重
我想，如果幾年后問我21歲生日做了什么
我只能答：“聽『祝我生日快樂』”
因為，那是每年都會做的。。。。
其實我不是埋怨什么
因為，從小到大我也從來沒為朋友什么的特別去慶祝
從來都是配合大家的計劃
唯一會自己計劃的，除非你是我女朋友
所以我不會期待什么的

其實我不知道我在EMO什么
就是聽歌聽到一半突然很想寫。。。
突然發現，從小到大我家有人生日時就是一個蛋糕
現在長大了，可能蛋糕也免了
我們家人好像都沒送過大家禮物。。。。
有時還真羨慕一些朋友和我說他們拿到什么的。。。
不過我還是明白父母的苦。。。
到最后只要他們健康就好啦～

雖然每年唱，
但是唱不到周杰倫的水準
更沒有溫嵐和我合唱。。。
不過生日嘛，還是要唱給自己聽啦。。。

我的生日過了很久
不知為何現在會寫關于生日的事
但是，祝即將生日或剛過生日的朋友們
生日快樂。。。

希望大家，都過著自己想要過的生日
記得，想媽媽說聲謝謝 =）

Did it again with Resident Evil

I did it again
I watched Resident Evil: Afterlife this afternoon all alone in 3D! lol

I wanted to just sit back and watch something that wouldn't need me to think much
Turn out, I made the right choice...
The actions and effects of Resident Evil: Afterlife was amazing in 3D
It kinda reminds me of The Matrix with all those slow-mo, just that it have a lousy story-line
It was a video game after all, so I couldn't expect much can't I?

Milla Jovovich as Alice kick ass and, she simply wouldn't get a scratch

Ali Larter isn't too bad either as Claire Redfield and somehow i just like her more xD

Wentworth Miller doesn't have much actions though =/

It was rather enjoyable to just sit back and watch water drops, bullets flying around you
Almost all the scenes have 3D effects and are very well done

Also, in case you don't know Mika Nakashima (中島 美嘉) 

made an appearance as herself as the 1st infected =D


It was a weird day actually
I never planned to watch this movie at all as I never watch the first three of its sequels
Luckily I read about what happened in the first three movies few months back
Anyhow, it turn out not bad to have a nice 3D movie once in awhile


Another thing was that I was asked to show my identity card when I bought my ticket 
I even answered 18 when I was asked about my age, lol
I get another one of those weird looks from the ticket seller when I said just one ticket =/

Airports

Just came back from KLIA
Fetched my buddy there together with his parent
This was his 3rd time leaving for Canada
Going on to his 3rd year for his degree

I always like visiting the airport
Somehow I just feel delightful
It is a place where people separate
It is also a place where people get together

There can be people hugging,
welcoming their fellow friends or family members
or
There can be people hugging,
bidding farewell to their love ones
Some with wide smiles
Others, with tears rolling down their cheeks

Airport can be a magical place
There are all kinds of people there
Kinds of races, nationalities, cultures, languages,ages, professions etc
Maybe that's what I like about it

I always imagine myself with a small luggage
Walking in style to the counter
Take my boarding pass
Go have a coffee
Meet peoples
Fly

Yes, just like George Clooney

in the movie "Up in the Air"
I just adore his life in that movie
Maybe that's why I enjoyed that movie a lot

Even those who work in an airport, serving people
That can be interesting for me too
Well, of course not like Tom Hanks in

"The Terminal"
But hey, that was a great movie too =D

I just like to keep changing environments
Doing new things
Meeting new peoples
There might be too much limitations now

Maybe because I didn't have that kind of lifestyle now
That's why I am looking toward it
Maybe it will be boring if you do the same thing over and over again after all
But, I really do like airports =)

Why don't you tell me what you think?

Life and life and life goes on....

Today is the last day of August
Yes National Day!

I was in the parking lot searching for parking with 2 of my buddies when people are counting down.
Come to think of it, I have a nice country...
Maybe just too much politics =/


My salary isn't bank in yet =(
Sigh, hasn't been a good week for me
but I am glad I have friends around.
Now I just hope I can get my pay faster and clear my debts!

Life is definitely getting interesting
Time is getting lesser and lesser
Hope I can manage my time wiser and better cause I really do sucks at it =(
Yet the clock ticks and ticks.....

Hope I can stop times...
That's why, I like Hiro Nakamura so much >.<

Anyhow,
These 2 weeks I have realized  quite some things about life
Learn to accept, learn to let go, learn to continue learning....
I seems relax yet I seems stressful, I don't know which I am now.

Anyway,
I am in the China Press paper today
Press here to see what is it about but it's in Chinese
Not really proud of it but I really do want to share out the information.
Was surprise someone actually sms-ed and asked if that's really me in the paper >.<
The reason why I ain't proud is that,
I still eat meat every now and then....
But sometimes, I really have not much choices
I try my best to eat vege when I can.......

V-Gen
You can search it up in facebook!
Or you can ask me actually about it....
100 vege meals in 3 months.....
Not really that hard =)

Of Glory or Disappointment?

Since earlier this year
The Shanghai Expo 2010 has been quite a topic

I myself wanted to pay a visit but couldn't afford it financially so I just browse through stuff about it online every now and then.....

Pavilions after Pavilions
I really felt good looking at those amazing work by different countries
Not all are amazing, but there are some really amazing ones.....
Even though I am a Malaysian, never have it came to my mind to search up my own country's Pavilion
I do came across links, I just never press them somehow
Don't ask me why, I just don't have the urge to do so =/

Anyhow, until recently I finally saw The Malaysia Pavilion for Shanghai World Expo in an article

Malaysia's Pavilion

From the looks of it, I don't see anything interesting actually...

The only thing that attracted my attention was the patterns on the roof...

Other than that, it just seems to be a giant Minangkabau house that look modern in term of colors and materials

Fine, it wasn't amazing....

Yet, when i read further.....

It is just a big "pasar malam" in the pavilion as well as a ridiculous mini golf course

Wonder how these represent our country 

Maybe I am outdated to be talking about such topic now

But was really sad to see the comments given... 

As a Malaysian..... 

It was just kinda disappointing to know more about the origin of the Pavilion itself

If you are interested, you can just see the comments here 

I don't really have much to say, just trying to share something that I think more Malaysian should know about

Fatigue Body, Active Mind

Haven had a day as such for a really long time

My body is really fatigue but I am actually glad

Being out since 0930 till 0130 and constantly driving from one place to another

I never thought I could endure it as I only slept for some rather short hours the night before

I met 3 different groups of friends today

Morning – Afternoon 1^st group

Afternoon – Evening 2^nd group

Evening – Midnight 3^rd group

I travelled around 200km today I think

Of course spent some money too

Get to know some new friends from each of the groups

It was really weird when everything happen together

Even after a long day

I choose to drive back going on a very unfamiliar path

Don’t really know what got into my mind at that moment

It was midnight and I just rely completely on instinct

After being talking and talking with various people for the whole day

Driving is the time where I am alone

Driving on a very unfamiliar road during midnight really made me think a lot

For the past 3 years, I will rush back to my hometown every weekend doesn’t matter how

For the past 3 weeks, I did not went back to my hometown

Not that I don’t miss anything there, but I am actually learning to let go

Trying not to be too persistent over certain things

Sometimes, doesn’t matter how much you want to hold onto something

You must learn adapt yourself to prepare for the time when you must let go of it

Life can be too short or too long depending on how you are spending your time

I want to feel that my life is short; I don’t want to feel like I have nothing to do even for a minute

 I don't know whats the most important thing in my life

What I wanted the most is a question I always ask myself

I do know what I am after, just not sure what is the supreme target

Maybe I know too much about reality 

不要再后悔了，能嗎？

躺著躺著，兩個小時就這樣馬馬虎虎的過了

原本想說早一些休息然后早一些能夠起身

結果事情往往不能照著自己所想的那樣

不管身體多么的累

頭腦還是像充滿電的電池那樣

從過去想到未來，從實際想到幻想

不管如何的說服自己

結果還是一樣，不能釋懷

想著想著，發現自己這一年里太多的不應該了

以前總是對自己說要讓自己如何不對往事后悔

不過如今不能入眠，還不是因為太多讓自己后悔的事而在煩惱？

當自己好好靜下來數一數，其實自己好像在明知故犯，豈不是更后悔了嗎？

如果真的能回到過去，

一個簡單的pose加上一句 “Hellelujah Chance”就能回去把自己想糾正的糾正起來

那該多好？

今年二十一歲

原本應該是向前望，見證自己邁向人生另一個階段的時刻

但是我卻害怕起來，對自己不夠坦誠結果造成了所謂的后悔

對自己的未來

更本就看不清

我，到底在做什么丫？

現在才發現，原來我最愛逞強

原來自己面對自己的時候總是逃避

原來自己真的真的那么的渺小。。。。。

總是那么多的道理對著別人說

到頭來自己都沒把自己說的放在心上

我就是那可悲的使者，永遠把力量放在錯的方向

好想就勇敢坦誠的面對自己的懦弱

好想不再有這一種不能入眠的時候

好想和自己瀟灑的說:“面對現實吧！”。

前腳走，后腳放

那么的簡單，卻那么的艱難

不要后悔了，可以嗎？